Internal Nesting: Mothering Metamorphosis

I’m an admitted quote fanatic. Whether struggling, hoping for a good laugh, or looking for inspiration, I always manage to find the perfect few lines to provide the hope, laugh or motivation I’m seeking. My quote hoarding went into overdrive when I started the IVF process. For the past few months I’ve been on read and repeat mode, in an attempt to keep my spirits high, through some of the lowest experiences of my life. 

Just like a good book, there are always a few that resonate the strongest…

 “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about.” – Haruki Murakami

Struggling with infertility and going through the IVF process has challenged me in ways I never thought imaginable. I’ve been mentally beaten down, figuratively kicked in the stomach, and literally pushed to the limit…yet after a failed IVF cycle, I feel empowered. Why?

I’m a firm believer in the idea that we evolve through every hardship. Though the storm is not yet over for me, my metamorphosis has already begun.

What I’ve discovered through my IVF journey is that you don’t need to be pregnant to “nest”. I’ve been preparing to prepare for motherhood for almost two years. I’ve dyed my hair back to “natural”, I’ve taken prenatal pills religiously, I’ve overhauled my diet, I’ve drifted into dreamland, fantasizing about nursery décor and little tiny shoes… but most importantly, I’ve come to the realization that greater emphasis should be placed on the internal. Life is quite literally driven from the inside out.

The reality is, parenting begins long before conception, and with that, I feel as though my struggles are not without reward. I’ve been given the chance to cultivate a heightened sense of self-awareness and improve my body and mind, in preparation of one of the biggest transformations I will ever make in my life…becoming a mother.

For me, this internal nesting process holds many purposes. It’s about strengthening mindfulness. It’s about making lifestyle changes and maintaining good health. It’s about learning to handle days that will be peppered with insecurities and doubts. It’s about finding reasons to be thankful. It’s about awakening and acceptance. These are not things that could be learned, strengthened or obtained from a beautifully appointed nursery, or a well stocked and organized diaper drawer.

I feel more prepared than ever to be a mommy…and it’s all thanks to the storm.

“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.”