Changing Tides

My months of my project is nearing a close (time flies when you're not consumed with thoughts of infertility), and it has been so mindfully rewarding that I plan to continue it, on a smaller, less financially foolhardy scale. This (reckless) time "off" was everything I didn't really know I needed, bringing me back to myself...but a new me. Confused yet? 

Let me explain. I'm not really a believer in the notion that "everything happens for a reason". I'm not sure if it's the wording or emotionless sound of it, but it just doesn't sit right with me. What I do believe, as stated by one of my favorite authors, is that "life will give you whatever experiences are most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.". 

This past year has been undoubtedly the most challenging time of my life, pushing me to some of the darkest, saddest, depths of my mind, I never even knew existed. Battling infertility is nothing short of a circus of emotions. Highs, lows, adrenaline, depression...I've literally experienced it all. At my worst, having a baby once seemed like a life or death situation. Black or white...like I couldn't imagine going on with life, if I couldn't have a child. At my best, here and now, everything is a bit more grey. Things are changing for me. After three failed IVF cycles, hope remains, but it's wrapped in pessimism. I start thinking of what life would really be like for me without children. What would I want to do? Where would I want to go? Previously, this would be unmentionable. But now, even though I still have a strong desire to have a baby, I no longer believe my life will end if I cannot. I know some of you reading this may not understand where I'm coming from, but I imagine there are some that will completely identify with these changing tides.

This isn't an announcement of my forfeiture in this battle. I'm not giving up, yet. This is simply recognition that after so much failure, and equally as much healing, things begin to change. I'm finally at peace with my situation, regardless of the outcome. In some ways, my battle with infertility has already been won, because I have hope for either path I end up on, with child or without.

Cycle day 1 should be here any day, and so will begin our fourth IVF cycle (second FET). Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does, can be lost so easily. The only thing I am for sure, is unsure, and that's just fine! I feel relaxed. I feel free. I feel like whatever will be, will be. 

Mumbai Villa St. Maarten - Cupecoy