The Month(s) of Me

I'm finally resurfacing after an emotionally intense week, following the news of our third IVF cycle fail. To all of those who reached out on IG, through the blog, email or phone, thank you for your words of support, hope and encouragement. This fail hit me the hardest thus far, and it appears to only get harder moving forward. Regardless, no one ever said it would be easy, and that has never stopped me before.

So, where do we stand? I wish I had a direct answer for this, but unfortunately I do not. With all of our testing thus far coming back clear, we are inching our way to becoming one of those couples without any real answers.

Following our meeting with our RE coming up on November 3rd, our immediate next step is to do a diagnostic hysteroscopy. I've already begun taking Aygestin to prep for the procedure. I'm not confident that any issues will be discovered, but at this point I almost wish they would find something so we could continue shifting our protocol appropriately.

I did have a short phone conference with my RE on Friday, and brought up Immunology testing again, and also asked if there is any additional testing she would consider pursuing. Aside from the hysteroscopy, she didn't have much else to offer, other than some changes in protocol such as introducing baby aspirin, or possibly even steroids, should that not work. She still believes the immune testing is a bunch of hocus pocus, but she did affirm that she will support us if we want to pursue this testing elsewhere and would coordinate to perform the frozen transfer. I'm still back and forth on the validity of it, but I have time to consult if I choose to. Please feel free to add any suggestions on specific testing I should consider asking about in the comments below. Thus far, we've completed the basic full panels, HSG, karyotypes on hubby and I, and thrombogenic panel for blood clotting disorders.

Despite my RE's surprise in how this has panned out, her feeling is that this WILL work for us. She compared herself to a flight attendant, saying "When the flight attendant panics, you panic." She's not yet panicking. Can't quite say the same for myself.

The preliminary plan at this point is for me to do the hysteroscopy this month, take off the month of December, and kick off our next FET in January. There are a lot of variables up in the air between now and January, pending the hysteroscopy and any further testing I decide to pursue. We also cannot forget that we have no idea if the remaining four frozen embryos are even chromosomally viable.

I often wonder if every one of our embryos has been / is abnormal. Unfortunately $6,000 and two back to back fresh cycles stands between us and the answer to that question. If we fail another FET, we may just have to try to make those two fresh cycles happen, along with the CGH testing.

We started this IVF journey in January 2014.
January 1, 2015 will officially close out (almost) an entire year of disappointment.

Why almost? Because I've decided to reclaim the next two months of my life, focusing on ME.

Here's MY plan...

and yes, it involves spending all sorts of money on my husband and I, because not everything we do in our lives has to be focused on infertility and IVF...

#MonthOfMe1114

Note to Self: Just say "no" ... to chocolate.

I've put together a very strict, one-month plan to get my eating habits back on track. Starting November 3rd, my body will be a temple...made only of fruits, veggies, healthy fats and lean proteins. I know...a random date, but for two very deliberate reasons...

1.  I'm allowing myself one final night of debauchery at my annual Boos n' Booze Party on November 1st.
2.  I only go grocery shopping on Sundays, so Monday was pretty much a give-in to kick this off.

All left-over candy, cupcakes, cookies, chips and/or pizza will be sent off with stragglers or slathered with ketchup. I hate ketchup.

If you have any interest in challenging yourself to eat better, I'd be happy to share some of my favorite paleo recipes and weekly meal plans. Just send me a message through the contact form. :)

Only 25 Minutes? Errybody got time fo that!

Shaun T, I have not missed you, but I need you back in my life. Aside from my diagnostic hysteroscopy procedure, I will have no exercise restrictions for November and December, which means I will have no reason not to exercise. I am forcibly committing myself to five days per week / 25 minutes per day, because, well, that's how T25 works, and I'm too lazy to put together my own HIIT/cardio/weight training schedule these days. Baby steps (if only).

I work hard, and I should play hard too.

It's been 9 months since we started the IVF process. Isn't it ironic? Three failed cycles later, I've effectively spent the equivalent of my dream backyard on trying to build a family. While becoming a mother is my first priority, I've given up a lot, only to be faced with disappointment. I've put off simple hair color appointments, just in case I turned up pregnant. I've allowed my spa gift certificates to collect dust for over a year, because I didn't feel comfortable in my own (hormonally bloated) skin. I stopped buying myself new clothes, in hopes of future maternity shopping sprees. Quite possibly worst of all, I put off all sorts of vacation plans, opted for less exotic destinations, and coincidentally ended up using more vacation days for infertility shit, rather than...vacation. Bah-mother-fucking-humbug!

I'm aware that even in the fertile world, becoming a mother means giving up some things...sleep, alone time, and "quick" errands, just to name a few, but even then you should find ways to treat yourself.

So, I'm treating myself, because I deserve it. My frugality will live to see another day, just not in the next two months.

I'll be staying "artificially" blonde until I'm blessed with a reason to learn to love my natural mousy "bronde" hair. Additionally, I'll be dusting off my spa gift certificates and booking at least two decadent massage appointments in November to rest and reset.

Reflecting on what I'm thankful for...

Lastly, even though I'm not a huge fan of turkey, I am looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday. Mostly spending time with family, but partly spending time reflecting on what I'm thankful for, despite an extremely difficult year. Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action. 

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#MonthOfMe1214

A vacation is what you take, when you can no longer take what you've been taking...

We originally planned to ship ourselves off to Thailand for vacation to celebrate hubby's upcoming big 3-0 and simultaneously check another destination off of our bucket-list, but alas IVF and international travel posed too many risks. Maybe in a few years? We instead very happily booked 8 days at a stunning private villa situated on the secluded Cupecoy beach in St. Maarten. My suitcase is practically packed. 5 weeks to go :)

Not just a year older, but a year better <3 Happy 3-0 to Mr. UKU!

And so it is, Mr. UKU will be turning 30 years young on December 17th. We thought for sure we would be parents by the time this milestone birthday came around, but clearly life has other plans for us. I always thought he would make a great dad, one day I'll know it for sure. Fortunately, we've come to a very important realization in overcoming the early-life-crises: at the end of the day, it's all about seizing the moment. Carpe diem. We've spent far too much time living in the future, projecting events that have yet to happen and thus missing out on the present moment. Ageing does suck, but it's far better than the alternative, which is not being here at all. Being deeply loved gives you strength, loving deeply gives you courage. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's no one else in the world I'd rather stand at the gates of hell with, than him.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Four reasons I love December: Chanukah, Christmas, New Years and Family. As much as I would love to keep trucking through, I really want to enjoy the holidays and time with my family and friends without the black cloud of infertility overhead. January 1st starts the first blank page in a 365 page book. I'm hoping to write a good one.

It's much more fun being consumed by cute holiday decor anyway, like these mini snow globes that one really doesn't need, but also really needs. Ya feel me?!

I was browsing through West Elm and the owl caught my eye. I don't know why, but I was really drawn towards it, like I had to have it for some reason (other than it's super cute). I'm taking it as a sign, a spiritual meaning of sorts, that I needed this as a symbol to seek clarity even in the dark. Owls have many symbolic meanings, steeped in native history and folklore. Its presence can often announce change...which I would unarguably accept with open arms. Made in China or not, it gives me a feeling of peace that I can't really explain.

I look forward to documenting the months of me, as we close out a rather crappy year. It may be two months premature, but my motto for the new year will be as follows:

Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you invest, investigate. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try. Before you retire, save. Before you die, give.

To all of you who are still on this journey with me...

You're gong to want to give up. Don't.

Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how far you will go. 

and find a little time...for you <3