I got to a point where I started to think about my life without children. Maybe this whole assisted reproduction thing just wasn't going to work for us. I was weirdly at peace with the thought of that at the time, but in retrospect, I suspect perhaps the sun, sand and margaritas were deceiving me.
As I started my fourth round of IVF, I wrote "Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does, can be lost so easily. The only thing I am for sure, is unsure, and that's just fine! I feel relaxed. I feel free. I feel like whatever will be, will be." Little did I know at the time, this would be the cycle that worked.
As I sit here today writing this, officially 95 days pregnant (but who's counting?), with not one but TWO little babies, I feel obligated to reinforce the need to persevere on this journey. In my very first blog post I referenced one of my favorite quotes by Sigmund Freud “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." If you're still struggling, it may be hard to understand this at the moment. I know what you're thinking. How can such a tough journey, filled with so much heartache ever be considered beautiful?
The truth is, all of it is beautiful...
Your evolution of strength as you move through disappointment and failure
Your connection and bond with "strangers" who understand
Your acquired tolerance of pain and ability to recover
Your unbreakable relationship with your significant other as you lean on each other for support
Your sacrifice
Your hope
Your faith
It's all beautiful, even if you can't see it right now.
Do I wish the stars would have aligned sooner for us? Absolutely. But when I consider the person I've become over the course of the hardest year of my life, I can't help but feel thankful for my struggle. I am grateful beyond measure and more equipped to be a mother than ever before. Those who struggle with infertility learn not to take things for granted. As such, I am celebrating every milestone.
I hope those of you still struggling will have the same opportunity to look back one day and appreciate the hell you went through. Giving up is easy. You're stronger than that. Keep swimming!
I loved your post today. I sit back and look at our journey through infertility, it changed me and for the better. It made me a stronger person. If I had the choice, I wouldn't want to suffer through infertility, but that wasn't a choice and now I am in a way grateful.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for reading! Surely no one would choose this route, but it's my hope that those who struggle with infertility will gain something through the pain. Lots of love to you <3
DeleteI just opened my email this morning and saw a shipping notification from FedEx that my 2nd round of IVF meds are on their way. And I'm super excited. I know what to expect now, what not to be afraid of, and that's exciting. I always want the hope, faith and sacrifices to be alive and present because that's what keeps me optimistic that I too, one day, will be a momma. Your post this morning is exactly what I needed. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSo exciting! Keep pushing and try to stay in the "now". You'll be a mama! Wishing you a successful cycle!
DeleteToday is officially week 13 of our IVF miracle... we were blessed with a successful first round ICSI and you've been a great inspiration, especially since you're just a few days ahead! I wouldn't take back our 2+ years of infertility for anything, I grew to be a much better person and my hub and I are ready to tackle anything together. I remember thinking I would find a way to not remember the dark days while I was going through them, but now I think of those dark days and I'm able to see the hint of sunshine that was peeking through the whole time. It's all about focus. Anyway, I'm blabbing... thanks for sharing everything! and congrats, on your sweet, precious babies.
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ReplyDeleteAbsolutely true! I was just thinking the same the other day. This journey has definitely changed who I am for the better. Makes you embrace what you worked so hard to accomplish. All though I can't say "infertility I beat u" just yet I will when o have my baby boy in my arms. Hope u can say it urself when u hold those two precious babies in ur arms.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I needed to hear this today.
ReplyDeleteRachael, I loved this post & I'm a firm believer that positivity attracts positivity. Stay positive & keep doing you.
ReplyDeleteFor all those having a hard time, i'm with you but you get to choose each day what you make of it. Perspective is everything. Infertility is not a choice but how you live your life each day is. Wishing you all light & love. Be well.
I agree with you. The journey is beautiful - though it can be hard to see that when you go through years of disappointment and loss - even when you don't come out of it with the end result you wanted when you went into it (ie a baby/child). I've been writing a series of posts called, "The Gifts of Infertility" that touch on some of those things you've mentioned here.
ReplyDeleteWow this is exactly how we feel as we continue this struggle since August 2013. blogging has been so helpful and I have recieved so much strength from writers like you sharing your true story. Thank you so much! We will you and your budding family all the best!
ReplyDeleteAs a mom of 4.5 yr old twins from IVF, the struggle makes it that much more amazing to look at your children with complete awe & amazement. After many failed cycles including an ectopic pregnancy - During our last cycle, I felt just as you said "I feel relaxed. I feel free. I feel like whatever will be, will be" and sure enough my boys were meant to be! Hope you are feeling great!
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