Writing this is hard.
At times I wish this blog was really just some vividly emotional fiction novel I was writing, where I could determine plot twists and of course draft a beautiful fairy tale ending. Unfortunately, it's quite the opposite. This is life as I know it, out of my control, undecided and still very much unwritten.
People often say I was meant to share my story with the world, to help others, to raise awareness...to help myself. I love all of these reasons, but I never expected this journey to go on as long as it has. Though I know it's temporary, I'm feeling absolutely defeated.
My circle of those who "understand" is seemingly shrinking with every failed cycle. After so many failures you start to believe that even those who struggle, or have previously struggled with infertility may not truly understand the devastation. Am I isolating myself? Maybe. I figure those who really "get it" tolerate and sympathize with my silence.
I don't expect everyone around me to understand the magnitude of this journey. On the outside I try to keep it together because that's just the kind of person I am. I smile often, but disingenuously. If I appear absent at times, it's because every single day of my life while battling infertility is intensely consuming both physically and mentally. I equate each cycle to the anticipation and anxiety of losing a loved one, followed by mourning the death of a loved one. Imagine doing that over, and over, and over again. Walking around with a child in your womb, fully aware of its existence because it was intentionally placed there, and not seeing it to fruition...time and time again. The feeling of loss is intolerable. But life goes on, right?
When I started this journey I was envious of those who got pregnant naturally. Then I was envious of those who were able to use simpler forms of assisted reproduction to get pregnant. Followed by being envious of those who were first-time-IVF-success stories. Then second-time-IVF-success stories and so on. It's exhausting, yet inherent by nature. I am thankful for a lot of things in my life, but like most, I yearn for more. I have a beautiful home, a great job, investment properties, a loving husband (who also has a great job), the freedom to travel and explore, supportive friends and family...but I'm missing a significant piece to my puzzle, and not being able to fill that empty space (the way we were meant to) makes me ache.
Time is not on our side. I'm not "so young". It's not that easy to get up and try again. It's expensive beyond belief. And yes, I am aware that there are other options for starting a family...that doesn't mean I ever wanted to pursue them. People are quick to offer up semi / or non-biological alternatives to motherhood, without thinking about what that really means to someone going through this. What if you were told you couldn't have biological children with the person you love? What if you spent months injecting yourself with medications (that you never wanted in your body in the first place), in an attempt to achieve biological pregnancy and it failed, every, single, time? We hold on to shreds of hope, to achieve what 7 out of 8 people don't have to work at...getting pregnant.
Not being in control, over something I should have control over is very hard for me. Becoming a mother is supposed to be my choice, not the work of God or good luck.
We received word today that our Karyotype panels came back completely normal, as did my thrombogenic panel. It's becoming more and more apparent that we are just one big fucking medical anomaly.
I'm not yet sure what my next steps will be at this point...
What I do know is that pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever...
Beta = 2.72
Follow-up with RE on November 3rd.
Untested embryos on Ice:
(3) Day 6 *
(1) Day 5
*Embryos from this cycle were not PGD/CGH tested,
as it was not financially justifiable to test only 3 embryos.
Genetic status - unknown.
Commence hiatus.
Hi there. Has your clinic ever given you the option of doing PGS testing? It's quite a bit cheaper than PGD testing and has worked really well for several people I know (including myself). We did our PGS testing through Genesis Genetics. Hope this helps and I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your note. If we were to move forward with testing, our preference was CGH as it examines the entire chromosome complement from the biopsied cells, rather than the limited chromosome assessment for PGS. Considering most of our other tests have come back perfect, we wouldn't want to miss something that CGH would possibly catch. We're running out of things to test at this point. Thanks for the suggestion though. Pending our financial status, we may have to consider it.
DeleteI just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand where you're at, because I'm there too. After our second FET/fourth transfer, we have three embryos left, but I'm having a hard time getting up for the game, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It's hard to hope for a different, positive outcome when you're also preparing yourself for your usual, sucky outcome. And I've taken a break as well - trying to remember what life was all about before life was all about infertility. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for note <3 I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same. I'll be taking a break to get my body somewhat back to normal while we investigate next steps. I have a love/hate relationship with "breaks" because I feel every month is precious in this journey, but the reality is, sometimes it's just a necessity! Lots of love your way <3
DeleteHave you investigated immune implantation failure? Dr. Braverman in NYC does extensive testing and insurance covers it since it is technically immunology. He has excellent success rates and will co-cycle with your RE.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the info! My RE doesn't much believe in immune issues, as there is a lack of scientific data to back this up...but I know a lot of women investigate this as the research is up and coming.
DeleteI am so sorry :( I don't 100% get it because we have one failed fresh IVF and will be going back to do an FET next month, but when I think back to what it was like to get the news that it didn't work and how devastated I was, I cannot believe the STRENGTH you have to keep going. It is hard when you do everything "right" school, job, house, marriage ect. and you aren't a mom (YET) when it is supposed to be something you do. Adoptions sounds easy enough from the outside, but the reality of it is extremely difficult. Take time for you but keep your head up. You're amazing <3
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry :( While we haven't tried IVF just yet (mainly because of the cost) it scares me to think that might not work either. I agree with you, it should be easy to have a child with my husband and it is so very frustrating that it's not happening. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this. I have been there many times & know exactly how you feel. Have you thought about switching RE's? I only say this because (I think) you are in NJ. I recently switched to RMANJ after many chemicals & 1.5 years at my old RE & cannot say enough good things. A 2nd opinion definitely couldn't hurt, & in my case it was the best decision I could have made.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who knows all too well about infertility struggles, my heart hurts for you after reading your post. I stumbled upon your Instagram a few months back and have been following your journey and rooting for you and Mr. UKU along the way. Nothing about this journey is easy - it is mentally, emotionally, physically (and not to mention financially) draining and by far the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's certainly not for the weak.
ReplyDeleteWe are dealing with MFI as well, so I just assumed that because the "problem" was not with me, it wouldn't take long to get pregnant. Well, I was wrong. We went straight to IVF as we didn't have any other option ... failed fresh, failed frozen, chemical frozen ... switched clinics ... failed fresh, failed frozen. During all of this, I went through all the same emotions that you've gone through - I let myself feel everything because I just think it's healthy to "ride that rollercoaster" as my husband says. ;) We had 3 embryos left after our third frozen cycle - the quality wasn't great, but wasn't horrible either. After much discussion with our RE (who is amazing and kept me sane through this nightmare), we had decided that for our next fresh cycle, we wanted to move forward with more testing on ourselves and also testing of any embryos that resulted from the cycle. Our RE truly believes that for the majority of couples, if they just stay the course, IVF *will* work. I will say that I really hated hearing this. I was convinced that there was something wrong and needed the testing to prove me right. He reluctantly agreed to let us spend the money (we were already $60k deep in out-of-pocket expenses) and test until my heart's content after we got through our last frozen cycle. As it turns out, we were successful on our last cycle and being on the other side of this has made me think that maybe my RE knows a thing or two (imagine that??).
As much as we want it to happen, getting pregnant on the first or second (or even third, for that matter) IVF cycle just isn't the norm. I read so many stories about it only taking couples one cycle to conceive, but in all my digging around, I've found just as many (if not more) from couples that needed a handful of cycles to get that pregnancy that was meant to stick. These stories are the only thing that kept me going and I'm so thankful to the people that shared them.
I know none of this makes what you're going through any easier, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that there are others that have traveled your path and really do understand what you're feeling. It's hard, it sucks, and I don't wish it on anyone. I was really hoping that when I checked in here for an update, the news would have been different and I'm sorry that it wasn't. I have a really good feeling that this is going to happen for you, it will just take even more persistence (I hated hearing that and I hate saying it even more, but unfortunately I think it's true). You are so strong and have endured what so many people could never begin to understand ... hang in there sweets!
I understand 100% how you feel. I recently had my second fresh fail, and I had a fresh and frozen fail in 2013. It breaks my heart you are going through this too. My clinic like yours won't do imminology testing as they feel it's too new. I saw a clinical nutritionist last week who tested me for a few things including MFTHR gene mutation and that came back with 2 mutations. I don't absorb vitamin B and folate. I eat mostly paleo with some dairy, but will be switching to dairy free starting next week along with starting supplements for 60 days with him. I have 2 frozen embryos waiting for me as they are my last and final ones. Financially we can't do it again as we are 100% out of pocket. I pray you have success soob with your 4 frozen embies!
ReplyDeleteOh Rachael...it's like u read my mind. We have gone from 10 embryos to having 3 left. Dealing with 2 mcs and 2 unsuccessful cycles. After our losses and failed attempts my Dr recommended auto immune testing to see what was going on. (She always said this was voodoo stuff but after 2 losses she wanted to take a further look.) Test came back and I tested positive for lupus antibodies. New meds have been added to my protocol. We worked together to come up with this plan with a little help from a book a fellow blogger recommended. "Is your body baby friendly?" My Dr also recommended an endometrial scratch before our next cycle. I've read it increase ur chances by 20% so it is worth a try. Although I'm scared hopeless etc with our upcoming cycle all I can do is keep trying. Always here if u need someone to lean on.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear this. Our stories are so similar. I'm going into my 3rd IVF cycle and all Ive been doing is planning for a 4th cycle, it's so hard to feel enthusiastic and optimistic after so many failed attempts. You do whatever you need to do, whether it be take a social media sabbatical, or not, we are here for you. I also stuggle with not having control over something that I should, that's really hard for me too and its completely unfair. I'm thinking about you girl, hugs & strength your way!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachael, I have been following your journey since your first IVF cycle, and I just wanted to send you some love. I know that words can't help you but I really want to share my story with you as we are extremely similar. My husband was diagnosed with low sperm count, morphology and mobility in August 2013. We were so happy to 'finally' have an answer to our infertility. At least, we thought this was our answer. 2 Fresh cycles and 2 FET's (5 Embryos transferred in total) later, and we are still not pregnant. Not one positive test either. Originally a MFI diagnosis, and a healthy uterus but still nothing. I can sympathise with you and I can understand your pain, honestly.I know sometimes it feels as though you are alone in this world, I feel it often. I refuse to give up just yet, and although I feel defeated I really don't think this is the end, just part of the journey. We are about to undergo our 3rd Fresh IVF cycle and this time we are having a hysteroscopy before hand and an endometrial scratch, along with adding Prednisolone (steroid) and if this doesn't work we will add Intralipids next time. I honestly believe in Immune Issues as things just do not add up otherwise. I'll leave my blog's details if you are interested in checking it out, hopefully by the end of the year I have a success story too. http://positivemindslivepositivelives.wordpress.com/
ReplyDeleteI hope you and Mr. UKU can find your strength again, but for now, know that I & each of these beautiful women that are struggling are all hoping for you & supporting you. One day at a time Rach, we can do this. x
I am so incredibly and deeply sorry. Sometimes the world is unfair and unjust. I will keep you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI can't recall - has your dh had a dna fragmentation test on his sperm! We were recommended this test as we had had created excellent embryos but always ended up with a chemical pregnancy. The reasoning is that sperm with dna issues look fine under a microscope and create good embryos but within a few days they fail. My husband had a lower than normal range of good sperm so went on a specific supplement regime of high dose vit C, vit E and coQ10. It worked for us.
ReplyDeleteFor you, have u had an endometrial scratch?
I know this is hard. I'm now pregnant after 4 years of trying. It will happen. I won't say have faith because faith has nothing to do with it. Its biology and with the right supplements, medicines, luck and timing it will work.
I've been following you on IG for a while now, and our cycles have been close together (my transfer in September was not successful).
ReplyDeleteI get every single thing you wrote in this post. I get the envy, and feeling of defeat and loss after every failed cycle. When we continue to invest ourselves emotionally, physically, and financially, and we fail time after time, the devastation becomes deeper. I'm struggling now more than I ever have in the past 3 years of this battle with infertility.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing the same pain I am. Thinking of you!
I'm so sorry this has been hard for you, forget hard devastating. I don't know the trauma of multiple failed ivf cycles but I know the pain of the IUI's that didn't work and out ivf was our only shot. We weren't willing to continuously put our finances on the line to keep up with more than one cycle. I just want to encourage you. I used RMANY but honestly it's not about the doctors and the lab. As you know there can be perfect embryos and a perfect lining and still no pregnancy. My RE told me they could only do so much and the rest truly is up to God. I'm a believer and I'm not throwing my faith in your face or urging you to believe. But creating life is such and intricate thing, there is so much we don't know and can't see. My diagnosis was unexplained for 8 years all test said my husband and I were a fertile as people in our families with tons of kids. Yet we never had a pregnancy until IVF. Even though choosing to be a mother should be out choice God chooses the time. It took me several years to learn that. I am praying for uou Rachel as I know this is hard. I hope that's okay.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you Rachel. It's not easy. I know my recent loss has affected me way more than I ever expected it to. It's especially harder when we don't have answers for WHY we keep facing failures. Keep at it. There are many more options to explore. Looking forward to hearing how your follow up appointment goes.
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel, I'm sorry. We did 5 rounds of IVF and were signing up for adoption when our Hail Mary attempt worked. We needed human growth hormone added to the mix on the final round to try to figure out if it was a genetic problem or a maturity issue. It was maturity. For the first time ever, we made two hatching blastocysts on Day 5. At the time, we were only the third couple in our clinics ten year history to do that and we were the third success.
ReplyDeleteIt's devestating. It's lonely. You come out different on the other side.
I wanted to give up all the time. Be done. Quit. My husband stayed strong and would always say "if you aren't a mom, this fight isn't over."
Keep fighting.
Rachael, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you have to endure loss after loss. I have just fone through my third egg retrieval and am waiting to see if we get any genetically normal blasts. My previous IVF cycles have yielded zero genetically normal blasts. It is so hard to keep pushing forward knowing that the worst can happen. I can also relate to how difficult it is to compare your results to others who have success on their first round of clomid, or their first IUI, or their first IVF. When you have gone through so much physically and emotionally, it's just so frustrating. Your blog has been a comfort to me, and I hope you get your success story soon. Much love, Amy
ReplyDeleteI get it! I'm bitter because some women get pregnant without really "trying" or by just temping or with fertility meds or with an IUI or with their 1st IVF or their 2nd or their 3rd or a FET. None of these have worked for my husband and I and we have no answer yet to why.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I just had my first egg retrieval (after an almost canceled cycle because of plummeting estrogen levels). I'm laid up at home with a mild case of OHSS. Your posts are so helpful. It's nice to know there are other young women who share similar stories. Keep on going, you will get your little one! XO, Melissa NY, NY
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