Well the worst day of my life is here again. Aren't you only supposed to have one of those?
I told myself I wasn't going to test before beta this time around, and once again gave in to the temptation - damn you Walmart! I'm both happy and sad that I followed my heart to test, because I was lucky enough to catch a line for a few days (5-7DP5DT) before things started to go stark. This implies that 4AB attempted or did in fact implant and unfortunately didn't stick. My beta this morning was a miserable 6. Progesterone stops today. Thankfully, it looks like nature will run its course on this one so I don't have to face another D&C.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. My head and heart feel heavy today, weighed down by sadness, anger, and the three letter question I may never get an answer to...Why?
I realize 50% of the time, it works 100%, I just wish we fell into the better half of those statistics :(
So where do we go from here?
It's hard to have that conversation while mourning another loss, yet every day, every week, every month, is precious in this journey if we are to keep moving forward. Our official meeting with our RE is next Monday, so I have a week to put together all the questions I wish to ask, and I'm sure there will be many (feel free to add your suggestions in the comments below).
In talking with my nurse, we both agreed that the probable next step would be another fresh cycle, coupled with CGH Embryo Testing. I had hoped to avoid both for emotional and financial reasons, but at this point, it seems like the logical, bankrupting next step in this journey. We do have one frozen embryo remaining, but I just don't think I can go through the motions of another FET, not knowing if our lone frostie will survive the thaw or worse, not work.
My mind is a circus of emotions and thoughts. I can't help but jump ahead of myself, already wondering "what if it doesn't work again?". What if all the embryos are tested and come back abnormal? What happens next?
While I believe strongly in living in the present moment, sometimes you just need to hash out the "what ifs". We've only lightly discussed the possibility of needing to use donor eggs or sperm, or pursuing adoption, as we want to remain hopeful that we will achieve pregnancy with a biological child...but at the same time, I feel like I need confirmation that we are on the same page if one of those "what if" scenarios becomes a reality. So, it looks like we will finally need to have "the talk", so we know where we both stand moving forward.
This naturally comes with a lot of worry. I worry about the affect this journey will have on my marriage. I worry about what it will do to our faith and self-confidence. I worry about the finances. I worry about my sanity. Most of all, I worry about not achieving the very thing I want more than anything in this world.
The way I see it, our future holds one of three scenarios:
- A third IVF Cycle (Fresh) with CGH Embryo Testing (that hopefully proves some chromosomally normal embryos and leads to successful frozen transfers)
- Donor Eggs or Sperm (If testing proves we have no viable embryos)
- Adoption (If we can't handle the donor scenario, but still really want to pursue parenthood)
I am not quite ready to give up just yet, but I'm not sure how much more disappointment I can handle, or how much more money I can spend pursuing something that is biologically supposed to be free.
As always, thanks to my family, friends, and ttc sisters for your support.
...and my mom, who always knows how to make me feel better :)
...and my mom, who always knows how to make me feel better :)
My mantra for this week:
On Repeat:
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I hate this for you. I was so hoping and praying that this would be it for you. Along with embryo testing, have they talked to you about or testing your immune system function for issues such as NK (natural killer) cells that could be attacking the embryo and causing issues with implantation? Also, you might want to ask about the E-tegrity test of your endometrial lining that tests for Beta 3 integer in with is a protein that must be present for implantation to occur. Just a couple things to think about asking your doctor. Will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteE-tegrity tests for beta 3 integrin..not integer. Stupid autocorrect!
DeleteYou can do this..I had awful results until my 3rd IVF which yielded my twin baby girls..I had lost all hope, however, believed I would achieve what I truly wanted..& I did..you should be proud of yourself & grateful to have a supportive hubby in good times & bad..don't give up..failure is not an option..it WILL happen when the time is right xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. We also didn't receive very good news and I'm hoping to avoid yet another D&C. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteBig, big hugs to you. I know it hurts so bad. If it's any consolation at all, you are helping so many women (including myself) keep hopeful, determined and informed while we wait for our babies. For that, I thank you so much. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog as we are also TTC via IVF. I am so sorry. Keep your chin up and I pray that you have strength and resolve to move forward in whatever way is right for you. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteYou and your hubby have been in my prayers all weekend! Don't lose hope. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband and I are going through IVSI for MFI.
ReplyDeleteIcsi darn autocorrect
ReplyDeleteIt is not fair!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this cycle wasn't successful. Just so you know, there is another option and that involves looking at your immune system. I had 3 miscarriages (1 at 8 weeks and 2 chemicals) before I consulted with a reproductive immunologist. I had done 4 fresh cycles when I finally consulted with Dr. Braverman. Our first fresh IVF cycle with him resulted in twin girls. I had blood clotting issues as well as HLA matching issues with my husband. I wish this cycle was more of a success, but 2 attempts to implant and not succeeding sounds more like an immune issue than an embryo issue. Good luck moving forward! With your positive attitude you WILL become a mommy.
ReplyDeleteRachael, I am so sorry to hear this!!! I wish there was something magical I could say or write, but I know nothing will help right now. Just know that I will continue to pray for you guys. This is NOT THE END for you guys. Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry :( We are in the same path. I and my husband are in our 3rd fresh cycle right now doing PGD coz of repeat failures from previous IVF's. I know how painful to go through all these. I just celebrated my bday and all I did is to cry. For some reason even though I tried to be happy, I can't avoid the sadness and pain inside my heart. Just keep holding on to HIM. Keep PRAYING as this is the only thing that makes me going.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you :( We are also on a similar path and it is so hard. We recently found out our 3rd attempt - second FET failed...I understand ANONYMOUS above - I feel the same uncontrolable sadness and pain in my heart :( But I still find some hope at the begining of every new round. I just can't believe that something I want more then anything is not somehow achievable!
ReplyDeleteI know you are getting TOMaS of Fairview but this really is an "easy" treatment. RE doc put me on a protocol for "transplant failure" it is a little like what they do the a transplant. My doc said sometimes your body just rejects the embryo, which I know is really really howard to hear. But........I am taking baby aspirin and lovenex. It may be something to ask your doc about. Hope this info helped not hurt!!! Good luck. PS if you get tried from crying I will take over for you. I am a professional.
ReplyDeleteTwin girls on my 3rd cycle(1 fresh bfn, 1 fet bfn, 1 fet bfp)...I had lost hope too;) only thing we did different for bfp was blood thinner shots and I was 100% positive I was not pregnant on testing day!!!
ReplyDelete