I'm back from a mini-blogging-sabbatical, which part of me is not quite ready to end, as I'm really thoroughly enjoying the #monthsofme, but I'm here for a few very important reasons...
To tell you I'm thankful...for you
Your time, your support, your suggestions. When I started this blog, as my own personal diary documenting my journey to motherhood through assisted reproduction, I never could have imagined the impact it would have on others or the abundance of virtual friends it would bring me. This outlet and your readership has given this journey so much more purpose, and I'm truly grateful to have connected with so many beautiful people. I've learned through this experience that in the infertility community, there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet.
To tell you to seize the day...which doesn't necessarily have to include the morning ;)
My #monthsofme project has taught me a few things about this battle with infertility. The most important being: Balance is an absolute necessity. Admittedly, I have gone about this journey to motherhood from the start with an all or nothing all attitude, focusing 110% of my energy and emotions on our infertility struggles. After three failed IVF cycles, more tears than anyone should cry, and more time spent in a state of worry/hurt/anxiety than happiness, I begrudgingly decided it was time for a break...to focus on ME/US. It's through these few weeks that I've come to the realization that I honestly had forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely happy and carefree, which makes me sad to admit as I type this...but at the same time makes me so happy to feel "normal" again. I've learned that I have two choices...take charge or suffer mercilessly. I choose the former. I am not implying that I have some magical powers to shut-off the all-encompassing emotions that come with this infertility battle, but I do have the ability to choose just how much of my day I will devote to those thoughts. It's all about balance. Dedicate time to thinking about your next steps, allow yourself to be bitter, throw a fucking pity party...and then MOVE THE FUCK ON and focus the rest of the day on YOU, on HIM, on HAPPINESS. It is possible if you make time for it, I promise!
To tell you a little reckless abandon is a good thing
Those of us relying on assisted reproduction to attain the dream of parenthood spend so much time curtailing diets, behaviors and activities that when we fail, especially consecutively, we begin to lose faith in the reasoning behind making these adjustments in the first place. My advice to you...live a little every now and again. Allow yourself a sense of normalcy.
To tell you to love each other
Infertility has a bad rap with relationships. It will either draw you together or push you apart, and sometimes a little bit of both. Regardless of the source of the infertility, remember that this is your battle together. A week ago I watched my husband cry for the first time in the 8 years we have been together. That was a wake up call for me that he needs my support as much as I need his, even if he's not asking for it. In my opinion, suppression is not a sign of strength, and showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. We are all human after all. Try not to let the dream of building a family together be the very same thing that tears you apart...and say "i love you" often.To tell you to dwell in possibility
Because seriously, what other great choices do we have? Stay hopeful that the struggle will come to an end. When that day does finally come, regardless of how you got there, it will be the single most powerful and deserving occasions in your life. Not everyone gets to have one of those moments.
Overall I am wishing you all a happy and meaningful Thanksgiving. I hope you'll find some good around you, even if you have to squint :)
As for me, CD1 should be arriving some time in December, and IVF Take 4 will commence, but this time with an 80:20 happiness to infertility ratio. My ANA tests came back negative, as did my celiac test and hysteroscopy. I am deemed completely, and perfectly normal. We currently have four embryos on ice holding our future hostage. Hoping at least one of them will be healthy enough to end this battle for us. We have not thought much about the what-ifs at this point as we are busy dwelling in possibility <3
Beautiful words. I have been followng you on IG since the start of your 1st IVF. I too suffer from infertility, I have PCOS and have tried for almost 2 years before seaking treatment with an RE. My Fiance is normal so the problem is within me. Wr tried 2 medicated cycles to induce ovulation after loosing 50lbs and getting healthy and ridding myself of insulin resistance I was suffering from. I got pregnant the 2nd try on Clomid, we were over the moon. I was so scared to be happy only to have my worse fear happen today. We went at our 7 1/2 week ultrasound to find no heartbeat and no growth in 12 days. My HCG levels stopped rising as well. I am heartbroken to say the least and your post really helped lift alot in such a despairing moment in my life. So thank you. I hope you and your husband have a Happy Thanksgiving, mine will not be as such but I will try my very best to find whatever positives I can out if this situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that your good news took a bad turn :( I unfortunately know the feeling all to well. This journey certainly is not for the weak. Sending lots of strength your way to get through this difficult time. Hope you can find some comfort in the holidays and time spent with family <3
DeleteI am so very sorry for your loss :( I was in your shoes this very same time last year.
DeleteThank you very much Rachel, and your right it sure isn't for the weak, what a toll infertility takes non just physically but mentally :/ I also hope you enjoy the enjoy the Holidays as well and that good news & sticky embies come your way for your next IVF cycle. Take care.
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree with all that you have said! Our journeys and our thoughts are very similar, I feel like I'm trying to live my life and embrace my current reality just as you are, by enjoying and indulging a little more than normal, especially during the holidays, eating the cookies, drinking the wine, etc., I'm also trying hard to be sincerely happy again and not obsess over my infertility which is easier said than done! I hope you're finding some solace and happiness during your break!
ReplyDeleteI'm elated that u are enjoying ur me time. We all need to sometimes kick our shoes off and relax. Wether we like it or not our journey sometimes consumes our lives. Praying so hard for u girl...our first successful FET ended in a miscarriage and then our 2nd too. It was heartbreaking to the point that I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy another pregnancy. We work so hard, go through an emotional roller coaster only to have our hearts shattered. I'm praying yiu get your miracle baby soon.
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