Well, we got pregnant! Unfortunately it appears to be a chemical. Beta #1 came back at a very low 27.5, only improving by .5 by Beta #2 48 hours later. It was disappointing, but at the same time a relief. I don't know what's worse, getting a BFP and then losing it, or not getting a BFP at all. I can now say I have experienced both, and they are equally shitty.
I didn't do much crying once receiving the news. I had a few breakdowns leading up to today, and had already set myself up for disappointment. I keep reminding myself that if this pregnancy is not meant to be, then baby, mommy and daddy are better off this way. I certainly want a healthy, viable, stable pregnancy and I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of achieving it.
My husband said it best this morning, "we don't accept quitters". This little embie just wasn't meant to be. We need a fighter just like mom and dad. Hopefully there's a strong and healthy frosty waiting for us for a future cycle.
We have a meeting with our RE on Monday to discuss the cycle, next steps, and complete a follow-up blood draw to see if my levels are dropping on their own. I am continuing my PIO until the meeting on Monday, per my doctors orders. I assume I will then discontinue all medications and wait for nature to run its course.
It's weird walking around, waiting for the inevitable. I sense this period will be very different than my past failures. I'm awkwardly detached emotionally...some sort of personal protection mechanism. I do feel happy and content with the fact that I did manage to get pregnant. Now we just need to find the embie that sticks!
I don't plan to do much mourning over this. I want to keep myself in a happy place, and right now that is keeping myself focused on my future FET... obviously with a few soft serve ice cream cones here and there ;)
:: Just keep swimming ::
I am so sorry to hear this. This is exactly what happened to me with our second iui. I had two positive betas that doubled then I bled for an entire weekend and on my 3rd found out the beta had gone negative. It was devestating. You feel like you're so close, but you're so far. I know your time will come. Like me, at least you know that you can get pregnant and that ivf will work for you at some point. Keep the faith!
ReplyDeleteElena - Thanks so much sweets! That's exactly how I'm dealing with this. It happened, and that's promising! I'm not giving up hope just yet. <33
DeleteI'm so so sorry to hear that. Why is May the month of chemical pregnancies? We just went through one, our first chemical, last week and it was horrible. For 48 hrs, you think you're pregnant. :( It sounds like you and your husband have a positive attitude though and are staying optimistic. Here's hoping the next time around is the one!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that Kati. All we can do is keep going. I refuse to let infertility win this battle or take away any more joy than it already has. Cheers! xoxo
DeleteOMG. I am so sorry to hear that. I want you to know that we are starting the process in less than a month and you reminded me that this is a real thing and that it may not work. You see everyone's blogs and instragrams where it worked on the first try. Sometimes that is not just reality It doesn't always work out like how we want it to. I know you will get those amazing beta's one day.
ReplyDeleteKayla - I wish you all the best as you start your journey. I was so hoping to be a first round success story, but the reality is, just as you said yourself, it doesn't always work out that way. I am not giving up hope yet. I am happy knowing that I did in fact manage to get pregnant, even if only for a short time :) :: baby dust ::
DeleteI'm really sorry for your loss. I've been following you for the last couple of weeks (sounds creepy) because I was googling IVF everything way too much and eventually stumbled accross your blog. We were almost cycle buddies. I just had my transfer on Monday and am currently 2dp5dt. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive, but am trying to keep a good attitude even if its negative. One negative doesn't mean its over and in the end we have come so far to get at this point. I think no matter what, it is likely that we're in the home stretch. I wish you all the best luck for your next cycle or for whatever route you choose from here on out. I'll be randomly stalking your blog for inspiration and smiles. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteHi Brooke - Thanks for your support <3 I'm still in beta hell, awaiting the moment we get to put this cycle to rest! Now working on mentally preparing myself for the reality that there may be one, two, or more cycles in my future, you just never know! I hope you got your BFP!! Looking forward to trying again soon enough. :)
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